I hate those inspirational articles, you know the ones that teach you how to find your purpose, follow your dream etc etc. I try very hard to sleep through motivational speeches, because please don’t try and teach me things!!! Books about life’s hidden secrets, those are for losers, also to make paper weights out of.
But preachy mood, that’s what I am in today! (sorry I have nothing against preachy moods, you can spot one whenever u feel like or at least I can. I most definitely can)
Umberto Eco says, “To survive you must tell stories”. So here goes mine.
This month is dedicated to my last breakup. Through the month I shall celebrate the relationship that I have come to call as the “Process of Disintegration”, of what I used to call dreams. I was brought up believing in Cindrella, Prince Charming and Princesses. And no I don’t have anyone to blame, I chose them on my own. I am the reason for my own peril. My own worst enemy….bippity bippity blah! You know how that song ends. (A friend calls that the “Poor Xena“ Syndrome); I call it –Chicken Soup for the Self Loathing Soul.
Any way (or any who), coming back to the point, The Break-Up!
About a year back the love of my life decided that well….I wasn’t the love of his life. Needless to say all hell broke loose and I was devastated and destroyed and the skies came crashing down on my poor shoulders, my heart was broken and my self-respect murdered….yapitty yapitty yap! You know how that song ends too.
Then came the time, when I was aimless, life was pointless and dreams sleepless. I did what most people don’t do … Everything! I was so desperate to be happy, that even if there was a faint glimmer that doing a certain thing would amount to some amount of happiness… I went ahead and participated. Needless to say, that was also a time from when I do regret doing a lot of things (if you know what I mean 😉 ).
In all the doing and undoing, the most important thing was to look for a driving factor. A reason that would give me some direction, something that took me from one day to the next, in a time when I was so morose that sometimes I wanted to end it all (jes, jes….I am a BIG Drama Queen like that).
I believe its the relationships that break…those are the one’s that make you.
A friend in college in Mumbai, spoke about her friend from Africa, who she knew from Bangalore, who was doing a course in Scotland. And that’s it! Eureka! I decided this course was what I wanted to do, this was my single point focus. Reason being: I always wanted to study English and I always wanted to study in Europe, so I am going to Scotland to study English. Simple!
Not so simple! But what about marriage, what about house with white picket fence and two………. no three wait four …. (okay a certain amount of children). What about those dreams??
Those dreams, they are gone now. I no longer believe in perfect relationships, neither am I a sucker for fairytales (hopefully, fingers crossed, please don’t let this be – “just a phase”). Somewhere I feel I was trying to hide behind the Knight in Shining Armour (read: retard in tin foil) in order to escape the harshness of reality; (saying it like this because it sounds so poetic). Escape practicality. Yes a little bit is required in order to evaluate what’s worth the risk and what’s not, what you should cry for and what you need to let go.
I have dreams now too, but real ones, the ones I can somehow with a miracle make come true. The ones that involve me doing something to get somewhere. Not the ones where I want to hide behind Mr.Right or where I am so scared of loneliness that I will tie myself to the next loser who happens to walk up the road.
Do I want to get married?Hell Yeah! Do I want Children? Errmmm…. One! No Two! Yeah Two! But before that I want to do something for myself, I want to go to Scotland, and study English…Walk around and be all “Pretty in a sundress”.
There will be enough time to find Mr.Right, hopefully he is finding me as we speak, but I don’t want to die thinking, there was a degree I wanted to do, but I got caught in the normal rut and forgot all about it.
Will I ever get there? I don’t know! I don’t have the money, nor the air ticket.
Although, I do have a dream. 🙂
Love Always, Xena