In a world where everyone is trying to be free… I have always wanted to belong to someone.
My friends and I, we had a joke, that considering the amount of drama and entertainment I bring to the table in addition to the countless number of times I have had my heart broken, if life were a Bollywood masala flick I would be the Item Girl.
While it’s my tunes to which the clubs will make money, and it’s my song that will garner maximum eyeballs, the hero will never be mine. He might dance a song or two with me. The enigmatic, mystifying Item Girl, he will always belong to the coy, perfect to the T lead actress, The Heroine so to say.
While most girls at school were planning their careers, I would sit dreaming of a White Horse and Knight. In the words of Kareena Kapoor in Jab we met, “Mujhe bachpan se hi Shaadi karne ka bada shauk hai by God”.
Over the years I have gone from actively fighting to quite resentment when it comes to finding love. The mind is now tired and the heart wants to rest, but resilience is a very strong trait, in the character sketch that was drawn up for me.
To be fair to the second half (better or not) I haven’t always been the ideal, ‘take home to mom kind of girl’. I hate cooking, I only get to cleaning when I realize half my wardrobe in missing in a rubble of clothes, my new pants haven’t gone for dry cleaning in a month and a half and my chapati can make for a very good Frisbee.
As far as eccentricities, insecurities and nagging goes, one should consider me a true treasure trove.
But I have seen people much worse than me (not at all trying to be judgmental here),find that someone to tie the knot with, or take vacations with, walk hand in hand on a beach, in a the sunset, later upload pictures on Facebook to annoy me… I realize every time, how badly I want that too.
I have always known that if there was ever a lineup of girls an eligible bachelor had to pick from, I would never be the girl he would want. I am like that fat kid in the gym class who gets picked last and that too with a very audible sigh.
There is someone for everyone, matches are made in heaven yata yata yata…. I think the God who created me is just as absent minded as I am, He forgot to make the guy who would dare to spend the rest of his life with me. He made me, and then… well He fell asleep. When He woke up again he started working on a completely new pair.
My friend’s mother once told her and it probably stands true for me too, ‘you are more the girlfriend types, you know then one guys want to have adventures with, not wife material’. I wonder what it takes to be the right kind of material.
These days, I am giving up on the whole matrimony idea, maybe it’s one of those things that will never happen to me. I might even be content with having just a daughter (a la Sushmita Sen).
When I look around, it’s not like I don’t see woman who aren’t married, I do. But here’s the vital difference, they are on their way to bright futures and good money. My career is taking its last breath, that is, if it is not already dead. I am in love with a picture that may never say, “I love you too”, well you know obviously because it’s a picture! My parents, I can see everyday, wish they had a different daughter and my brother wishes I had never come back.
I feel like I am stuck in a limbo, where in I don’t belong where I am and I don’t like where I was, but I don’t know where else to go.
I wish life was a Dev D and not Dev Das, where Chandramukhi got to take Dev home while Paro just sort of disappeared from the story. (I resent Paro)
Too many hopes seem to be going down the drain these days, I am losing my mind, my faith in God and above all, I feel lonely in a place I was meant to call home.
On the face of it however, I will continue to remain as bright and shiny as possible, but something inside me is dying a slow painful death every day. A numbness seems to be taking over, I am quieter these days and I don’t really like people anymore.
I have no lessons today, and no funny stories just a long sad, sobbing drone of an essay.
But sometimes all you can do is say things out loud, and hope that the universe gets its act together.
Until then, I will put on that Ghagra and dance, even if it is only in front of my very own mirror.
Love Always, Z