For as long as I can remember I have yearned for Love. There has always been this struggle with the universe, this constant desperate grasping for love.
My first experience with it was probably when my sister was born, and I constantly kept devising ways to grab my father’s attention. Of course this moved on to looking for validation among friends, the hunt for popularity, followed by a series of failed relationships – all of these started and ended on the same note – I still hadn’t found a permanent person to give love to and get love from.
On a recent trip to Bali, which by the way I didn’t realize was a honeymoon destination, I experienced what some might call an ‘epiphany’ of sorts. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t in love with someone, I wasn’t vying for someone’s attention, guilt-ing others into confessing their love for me. No no… this is not a story of me loving myself (I am not there yet), this is no Eat, Pray, Love (which I hate by the way). This is just a realization that the state of ‘not being in love” is very underrated.
Everywhere around me were couples, some newly weds, some just doing the “travel buddies with benefits” thing, some reviving their long relationship – some happy, some sad, some fighting – but in one way or another, they were all into each other. And then there were those who had just broken-up and were on their self-discovery journey or there to celebrate their bachelor / bachelorette parties – a final sprinkling of minor infidelities before tying the knot.
And what was I doing there? Here’s what…
I had lost my job, my car, Kuwait is too hot in July/August, there was nothing to look forward to. All my friends were either working or away on vacation, no one whose call I was waiting for, no one I wanted to get back to, no one I was particularly getting over. I was there simply because Indonesia gives Indians a visa on arrival.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a sad, lonely person (these emotions I experience every now and then, but they aren’t my life’s permanent feature). I have amazing friends, beautiful people, who I love, but who don’t have to message me everyday or keep in touch constantly. What I am trying to say is, that, for the first time in my life I experienced what it felt like to not be in love. To not wait for someone. To not yearn for love.
This ‘not yearning’ allowed me a freedom I have never experienced before. The ability to just be there, to not have to check my phone or wonder if ‘he’ was missing me, what if ‘he’ got used to being without me, what would it be like to go back and see ‘him’… so on and so forth. As a person who has constantly needed someone to lean on, for the first time, I wasn’t leaning on anyone or anything.
I was just walking through the world’s meadow, with no past and no future, just the present and the beautiful azures that the ocean afforded me.
To be without love is something I wish for everyone.